Here it is, 2015. There were times that I seriously doubted I would make it through 2014, but, by the grace of God, I did. I sit here now, happy, content, a heart so full of love that I fear it may burst, and it is now that I feel like I have the courage to really look back on last year...
My foray into the online dating world continued. I forget how many dates I went on. Most of them only first dates. It was hilarious, eye-opening, humbling, an made for great writing material. It crushed my spirit, and left me doubting if I really was ever going to find love again. It also reinforced my belief that no one crosses the path of another by accident. I spent many hours just simply being there and listening to those whom were on the same path as me, looking for love, wanting to be wanted. I had my hopes lifted up, and then watched as they came crashing down around me. It is a brutal world, the online dating world, and is definitely not for the feint of heart. I am grateful for the experience, but even more grateful to be done with it.
Throughout the course of the year, I was faced with personal demons that I had thought were long gone. But there they were, right in my face, and I had no choice but to do battle with them. What I ended up learning, though, was that fighting them was the last thing I needed to do. What I needed to do was to sit with them. Examine them. Feel them fully. Acknowledge them. Understand them. Then, and only then, was I able to finally and fully release them with gratitude and love. This only happened a couple of days before the end of the year. The months prior were emotionally taxing, exhausting, humiliating, maddening...there were times when I questioned my sanity and my own strength to go on. But I made it. I actually made it.
I discovered things about myself that I had no idea I even possessed. I learned that I had a capacity for forgiveness that I honestly didn't know was there. I had a love awakened inside of me that I had never experienced the true depths of before. Amongst these beautiful things, I was battling these emotional demons....can you imagine the chaos that was creating inside of me? It was exhausting.
I had set a personal challenge for myself to step outside my comfort zone and test my personal limits and I believe I did that in spades. How many of us really and truly sit with the darkest, ugliest parts of ourselves and really look at them? Not only that, but to be able to release them finally with gratitude and love? That, to me, is amazing. It is something that I had no idea I was capable of.
In the emotional hurricane that was happening in my life, I had abandoned my own practice of gratitude and my daily meditation. I felt so disconnected from myself and my spiritual side. It was only when I recognized that, and when I began again my gratitude practice and resuming my conversations with God, that everything began to come into focus. Of course! I am so glad that I learned that very valuable lesson.
Although those giant challenges and triumphs are a huge part of what I'm so grateful for from 2014, hands-down, the biggest gift of the year was the gift of the most amazing love I have ever known. A man who loves me so much that it literally moves me to tears. He makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes me weak in the knees. He has a heart that is simply awe-inspiring and a spirit that shines so bright, I swear that I can see it. The fact that we made it through all of the demons that we battled both together and alone, tells me that we have only amazing, beautiful, things in store for us, together.
My theme for 2015 is joy. I plan to embrace it, surround myself with it, and spread it wherever and whenever I can. It really is as simple as noticing a beautiful sky, or laughing with my daughters, or looking at my love...those things always fill me with joy.
I am so excited for the new year that is going to unfold. It is going to be amazing...I just know it.
Happy New Year to you all. Please share in the comments your own personal themes for the coming year!